


desperately wishing

by fuyuki_peridot



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, i'm so sorry i'm just really emotional and upset and i need to vent right now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 12:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13457991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuyuki_peridot/pseuds/fuyuki_peridot
Summary: He knows it's his fault and he can't do anything to have him back, but it doesn't stop him from desperately wishing.





	desperately wishing

**Author's Note:**

> sorry i feel really bad right now and need to vent
> 
> tw: suicide, depression, self-harm

He knows it's his fault and he can't do anything to have him back, but it doesn't stop him from desperately wishing.

It doesn't stop him from staring at the coffee maker for a good half hour before he realizes that he actually has a life outside of Jongdae, a job that he'll be late to if he doesn't haul his sorry ass out the house.

It doesn't stop him from making wishes on the countless meteors that fall around him, on the stars that used to hold so much life and love and warmth, even though he knows full well that it's just that- a wish, a wish that will not, cannot come true.

No, Jongdae's absence doesn't stop him from compulsively playing out his apology over and over in his head, even if there's no one to listen to it, to accept it.

It doesn't stop him from revisiting every single memory they've ever created together, doesn't stop him from crying himself to sleep every single damned night, doesn't stop him from picking up the fucking razor, wishing that it could cut that much deeper.

It doesn't stop him from walking around in the dead of the freezing night, wearing almost nothing just to hurt himself, as if the physical pain can overcome whatever's going on inside of him. Doesn't stop him from turning his earbuds' volume up all the way, doesn't stop the noise that still filters through.

Doesn't stop him from lying down on the freezing tracks, desperately wishing for the train that he's heard every night for the past year to come, to end his life without Jongdae, end his pain, his misery.

Doesn't stop the many regrets that still run through his head, the regrets that don't stop, even with the intense rattling that begins to rack his small body. Doesn't stop the tears that flow and freeze, almost instantaeously, even as he senses the light at the edge of his vision, doesn't stop the small, choked sob that manages to escape even as he grips the rumbling track till his knuckles turn white.

It doesn't stop the final whisper of "I'm sorry" that he breathes out in almost the same moment he feels the world end.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if i depressed you all, my readers. just need to get some things off my chest. 
> 
> thanks for reading. stay safe and happy everyone.


End file.
